Less than 3 weeks of maternity leave remaining

In less than 3 weeks I'll be returning to work. This time off has gone so unbelievably fast. I look at our tiny little boy and I'm absolutely devastated at the thought of leaving him. I won't be there any longer to give him morning baths, to watch him napping in his swing, to wake up leisurely next to him, to look over and see his face and rejoice in the fact that we have all day to spend together, just me and him. This morning I leaned over his bed and his face stretched into an enormous smile at the sight of me. It melted my heart. Starting in less than 3 weeks, our mornings will consist of alarms beeping, quick showers, rushed breakfasts and feedings, panicked gathering of diaper bags, bottles, lunches, computers, coats and shoes and rushing out of the house. Someone else will be giving him his meals, watching him nap, seeing him smile and hearing him coo all day. He'll be nuzzling into someone else's neck in someone else's arms while I'm a mile away, sitting in a dreary cubicle in an overheated office filled with stale air and staring at a computer screen all day. And this thought breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I wish I could think of a way to stay home with him and enjoy every second of this brief babyhood of his. I wish we didn't live in such a high cost of living area, so that we could afford to live on just one salary. I wish that I had a job where I could have a more flexible working arrangement, so I could still work part time but have more time to spend with him.

I have no idea how in the world I'm going to drop him off at daycare, get in my car and drive away from him without breaking into a million pieces.

If anyone has any suggestions of work-at-home jobs or how to make more money so I don't have to go back to work, I'd love to hear them!

4 years ago today...

and the best is yet to come...

Bathtime!

Barrett - Two months old

Dear Barrett

You are now two months old! The last two months have flown by so quickly, we can't believe you've been a part of our lives for two months now. You are incredibly alert now. Everyone comments on how alert you are and aware of what is going on. You have grown a lot in the last few months. You weigh 10lbs, 12oz now and are 22 1/2" long. You're now in the 30th percentile for height and weight. I cannot believe you're 3 inches longer than you were at birth! No wonder you have outgrown the newborn napper part of the pack n play! Your feet were starting to reach the end so we have to move you to the bottom part of the bassinet.

You love baths and try to push yourself up in the seat with your feet. When you lock those legs, it's impossible to bend them, you are so strong! You've started grabbing Mommy's long hair and it's so hard to get it out of your fist, you hold on so tight. She may need to get a haircut or can foresee losing lots of hair to your strong grasp.

You like to sit in your bouncer seat in the mornings when Mommy eats breakfast and just look around very calmly. You notice the mobile now and watch the characters moving above your head. Today you reached up to touch the toys dangling above your head on the playmat and moved them on your own. It was exciting to see! You have really started to like to be held in the last few weeks and sometimes insist on being carried around the house. Mommy and Daddy will be getting huge muscles at this rate!

We've taken you to multiple restaurants now. Sometimes we think you'll sleep so we can eat, but no, not you! You are so interested in the noise and action at the restaurants and refuse to sleep, you want to be a part of the action!

Mommy took you for your two month shots and you definitely did not like those. There was much screaming and fussing and it broke Mommy's heart. It has also thrown off your sleeping schedule - you had been in a pattern for a few weeks now where you'd wake up at 5:15am, like clockwork, but the last few nights you've been waking up earlier. We hope you'll start sleeping longer at night, since Mommy will be going back to work soon and needs some sleep!

We love having you in our lives. Your smiles and laughs light up our days. You are our darling little angel!

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

8 weeks

It was an eventful week! We had some visitors and played a lot. We think that Barrett is definitely developing more of a little boy look and less of a generic baby look. We definitely are seeing his distinct features now and think they're all adorable! He *hopefully* seems to be getting over the fussy hump and is now generally in a good mood. He has really started to want to be held a lot so we're starting to build up our arm muscles.

Payton tries to play with Barrett, but he had to settle for playing on Barrett instead. Be patient, Payton, it'll be a little while before Barrett is much use to you.


We also had visitors! My friend Laura, her son AJ and dog Ella came to visit. She brought sushi for lunch, which I hadn't had in a YEAR so it tasted especially delicious. My friend Jen also came by, but we didn't get any pictures. Unfortunately Barrett slept most of the time, but we'll be sure to get one the next time we see her.

AJ is 8 months old and crawling. It's hard to believe Barrett will soon be that big!


sleeping through the playdate








Barrett is generally very mild mannered. However, when he does get fussy, boy does he let you know! We captured his pouty lip in the below picture - definitely gets that from mommy! How sad is that face?!


Napping in his swing - little hand sneaking out at the bottom.

Outgrowing the Newborn Clothes

Our little baby Bear has now officially outgrown his newborn clothes. I folded up and put away his little teeny tiny onesies and footie sleepers to be replaced by slightly bigger teeny tiny onesies and footie sleepers. And it made me sad! I am thrilled that our little baby is gaining weight - every ounce he gains and every inch he grows is a testament to my hard work and hours of sleep lost, so I'm thrilled he's growing and healthy.

But it makes me realize that my little baby will not be a little baby for long.

Before I know it he'll be one and running away from me in the park to go play, two and turning away from my kisses, four and shutting the door to his bedroom for privacy.

But for now, he's mine, all mine. I spend hours a day holding him and touching him, but it doesn't seem enough. I inhale his sweet baby scent and wish I could freeze these moments forever. I want to always be able to feel his tiny fingers gripping mine to his palm, to see his entire face light up with a gummy smile, to touch those soft chubby, dimpled cheeks, and to feel the slight weight of that little bottom resting on my forearm. He nuzzles his face into my neck as I hold him, and I close my eyes and wish time would freeze right then and there.

I'm incredibly excited to see him grow and watch him develop into a little boy, to watch him learn and experience new things, to hear the funny things he'll say and to see who he'll become. But I wish I could capture these moments now, to save a week, a day, an hour of this precious time and put them into a box to store away, so that when he loses that sweet baby scent and when he turns from my kisses and when he doesn't wear fuzzy sleepers anymore but wears jeans and tennis shoes and smells like a little boy, I can take out these moments and have them back again. Already, they are too brief and disappearing too fast...

7 weeks

Our little Bear turns 7 weeks old today. He's getting bigger and more fun every day. He smiles all the time and coos a lot. We're thinking he may start laughing before too long. He found his right fist yesterday and tries to suck it throughout the day now.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the last week:

Laughs on Mommy's lap




Up close and personal!




The two boys on the playmat with Daddy






Payton gearing up for the superbowl.


The boys chilling on the bed while the sheets were being washed. Barrett sucking on that fist.


All smiles - check out the dimple in his left cheek!

Everyone loves Pooh

I'm pretty sure Barrett misunderstood his onesie.


I think we'll be buying stock in Oxyclean...

Our Monday morning, by numbers

7 - hrs slept by me (a great night! even if it was divided up into 5+2)
5 - weeks from today until I go back to work. boo!
4 - outfits worn by Barrett. might be a new record for a 12 hour period!
3 - number of times Barrett has eaten
2 - calls made to the doctor
1 - call made to the gym, to find out that the childcare program doesn't start until children are 3 months, so we are still 1 1/2 months away
0 - pounds lost by me in the last few weeks, hence the call to the gym!

Worst parents in the world

"I HAVE THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD!!!"


"Hmm, maybe they're not so bad..."


"Just kidding, I love my mom and dad!"

Things I've learned as a new mother

-That I would spend 12 of every 24 hours in some state of undress for the first few weeks

-That it IS possible to get tired of wearing sweats every day and to actually want to wear real clothes

-That my maternity clothes would hang off of me but my real clothes make me look eight months pregnant

-That I would want nothing more than for the baby to fall asleep but then anxiously wait for him to wake up so I could play with him again

-That breastfeeding would be one of the best and absolute worst experiences of my life

-How comical the suggested guideline of 8-10 dirty diapers a day is

-How much my baby's smiles and little coos would melt my heart

-That there's nothing more attractive than my husband holding our son

-That there's no better feeling in the world than rocking my beautiful baby to sleep

-That I could survive on such little sleep

-That motherhood is the hardest job I've ever loved

Which of us can cry louder?

It has been a challenging day. The last six weeks have been harder than the entire 9 months of pregnancy x 10 and I'm starting to wear out. We're still having tons of feeding problems that just aren't getting better and I'm really struggling with pain and frustration. To top that fun off, now we suspect that my c-section incision may be infected and have to make a trip to the doctor tomorrow. I'm running on way too little sleep and help.

Good thing he's so gosh-darn cute...