Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mommy Guilt

There are days where I think I can make this whole crazy thing work - those are usually the days where Barrett sleeps 9-11 hours straight, where the house looks semi-presentable, and where there are no fires to put out at work.

I think there have been about three of those days.

Let's face it, these days I should consider it a good day if the men in the white van and lab coats don't show up to cart me away.

I really had NO idea how hard this whole thing was going to be. I mean, I knew it would be tough, I knew that there'd be a few months of tiredness, of not being able to get everything on my list done, of dirty bathrooms and dirty dishes. But I had no idea just how thin I'd be stretched, how I would feel constantly like I'm hanging on by a thread and how I would consistently feel like I'm about one annoyance away from losing my cool at any given minute. And Tim can attest to the fact that I've lost that so-called cool many, many (many, many?) times.

I had heard of mommy guilt but never comprehended what it meant until I was in the full throes of it. Every day I have to fight the guilt of feeling like I'm failing as a mother, failing as a wife, and failing as an employee. I rush off to work in the mornings, after a usually unsatisfying night of sleep, without spending much time with Barrett. I rush out of work to pick him up, about an hour earlier than I did pre-baby, and I have to fight distraction the majority of the day and pretend like I care anymore about what I'm being paid to do. Weeknights are frazzled, with a very tired mommy, trying to squeeze in some quality time with a baby who's been over-stimulated all day and really just wants to close his eyes and go to sleep, with a dog who's been cooped up all day and wants some attention and cuddles of his own and a husband, who's entitled to an attentive (and awake) wife and some dinner and non-crabby company. Let me just say, I live for the weekends, where we all get to sleep in, no alarm clocks, no waking the baby before he's ready, just nice, relaxing, non-cranky time together and lots of kisses and cuddles.

I'm not sure what the solution is for us. I can tell you, what we're doing now just isn't working. I so admire those women for whom it does work. At one point in my life, I really thought it would be me. But I didn't consider the emotions that take over when that little baby comes. I didn't realize the love and guilt and adoration and frustration that come with being a working mother.

And so this game of guilt continues. I keep being told that it does get easier. I'm still waiting.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure exactly when this was written (the date isn't showing up), but I hope you are still reading older comments. I just wanted to say that your story was touching to me. I know there are different solutions for everyone; what works for one family won't work for the next. But I hope you guys find your answer so you don't have to carry that guilty burden on your shoulders. It sounds like you have enough things weighing on your shoulders without that added guilt! God bless your family!